


Dubious Food and a Dubious Shrine

by Eroppai (FalstaffKisaragi)



Category: Hyrule Warriors: Age of Calamity (Video Game), The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
Genre: Bathrooms, Farting, Gen, Large Butt, Scat, Urination, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-15 11:21:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29683188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FalstaffKisaragi/pseuds/Eroppai
Summary: Zelda's attempts at eating a frog aren't sitting right with her stomach. Purah lets her know that there's a Shrine located not far from where they are, but it's not marked on any map.
Kudos: 9





	Dubious Food and a Dubious Shrine

Zelda was far from Hyrule Castle. She had been riding on horseback for days, with nothing to eat but whatever they could forage, and the menu at nearby stables. As they were exploring, Purah sent the princess a call on her Sheikah Slate. She’d created a rudimentary system back at home that allowed her to stay in touch with the princess over long distances, and hoped to finally test it out.

“Hey, Princess,” Purah said. “Check it! There’s a Shrine pretty close to where you are! I’ll mark it on the map. Looks like it’s already open. If we see what the ancient Sheikah were hiding in there, it’ll give us a big hint on what to do when Calamity Ganon comes back.”

“Thank you, Purah,” said Zelda. “I’ll do my best. Come along, Link. Perhaps you might be able to get some use out of that sword.”

Walking over the grassy hills, Zelda started to clutch her stomach. She had captured another hot-footed frog, and tried to cook it. The resulting food was only dubiously edible. Link was able to choke it down with only a small amount of disgust, since he had partaken of Daruk’s feast of literal rocks back in Goron City. For Zelda, who had lived her life inside the castle town, it was more than her delicate stomach could handle.

As she walked through the fields, she heard her stomach growling and gurgling, making the most unladylike noises that Link had heard from a woman of her stature. Zelda tried to clench her butt muscles, playing it off as nothing. That illusion broke shortly after. When she dismounted her horse near where Purah had told them to go, she bent over to see if there were any medicinal plants in the area.

Link, who was staring right at her butt, saw the outline of her asshole twitch under the black tights. A hot wind erupted from Zelda’s anus, spraying itself directly towards Link. It smelled like her breakfast, made of the finest Hyrule’s chefs could prepare, mixed with whatever had been inside that cooked frog. The result was a sulfuric, foul-smelling wind that made Link reach into his slate to take out a Korok Leaf, flapping it behind his back to hide the smell. If he looked like he didn’t notice it, maybe Zelda would feel better.

A step grassy hill was up ahead. Zelda climbed it, and her plump butt kept releasing more farts. The smell was only getting worse, and she kept holding onto her stomach, trying to hold it in. She was fortunate that this was only happening out in the wilderness and not in front of her father or the castle maids. If she had broken wind there, the shame brought upon the princess would be just as bad as her weak powers. Her farts were getting wetter and louder as she went, coming from deeper within her bowels.

Finally, they arrived at the Shrine. Unlike all the other shrines, it was lit up in shades of blue and orange, making it accessible. The blue flame that powered all the shrines must have sparked this one to life. Zelda walked up to the entrance of the shrine with her Slate, placing it on the terminal and watching as the door to the elevator opened. She told Link to wait outside, hoping that this investigation would be quick. As she descended the elevator, she let out another explosive fart. Her own smell redirected back to her nose. Zelda sniffed the air and waved her hand in front of her face.

“I can’t believe I smell that awful,” she told herself. “Link never said so much as a word about my flatulence.”

The Auh Towse Shrine. According to the inscriptions by the monk left within, the task within was to “Find Inner Relief.” Curiously, Zelda noted she was able to read the script. It was written in modern Hylian, not the ancient runes that the Sheikah Slate still didn’t have a working translation function for. The inside of the Shrine looked all in shape. The same dark stones lined with glowing blue and orange. It was a large, square room, with no monk visible. Only a stairway at the end that led to what looked like a toilet.

Only one person was allowed to enter an Ancient Shrine at once. Zelda walked forward, and felt her asshole twitching beneath her tights. She blasted another fart out. The smell was growing stuffier inside her tights. The sound was even louder inside the confined space of the shrine. While she didn’t want to desecrate the work of the ancient Sheikah, it was hard to deny that the stone bowl at the end of this shrine strongly resembled a toilet. She had been needing to defecate ever since she ate that frog. If she let it out before returning to Link, they could continue on with clear minds and clear bowels.

She pulled down her tights to her ankles, followed by her underwear. Her bare butt was now exposed to the chilly air of the shrine, revealing her asshole lined with fine blonde hair. She had done this all the time back at home, there was no reason to be ashamed of it now. Zelda backed onto the stone bowl, plopping her ass upon it. The moment her ass made contact, the orange around the bowl lit up in a glowing neon blue, making a magical whooshing sound.

There was a small bit of water flowing through the bottom of the bowl, but no visible handle. Zelda got herself comfortable, warming the seat with her body heat. Her fat butt was now situated just right. She leaned over, placing her hands on her knees and looking at the lift out of the shrine. She thought eating that frog would make her quicker, but there was some step that she had forgotten. The only thing it had given her was an upset stomach and a bad case of gas. She farted into the bowl, making waves upon the water with a hot gust of wind.

Her stomach gurgled once again. With her legs spread, Zelda pissed into the stone bowl, a pale yellow stream that gushed out from between her legs, circling the edges of the bowl before splashing into the water below. It had been a while since she’d gone, having only had a glass of milk from a local ranch in the meantime, and the release was welcome. It drowned out the sounds of her stomach for a moment, giving her a temporary release from the troubles plaguing her mind.

“Link isn’t around to see this,” said Zelda. “Purah, forgive me for what I’m about to do.”

Zelda’s asshole opened wide. A torrent of brown, semi-solid waste pushed itself out of her asshole, splashing against the edges of the bowl and muddying the water. She kept letting it out, her asshole itching from the heat of her defecation. As she neared the end of the first wave, a long, solid turd emerged from her ass. It was thick and dark brown, with a smooth consistency that made it slide out of her asshole with little pushing. Zelda grunted, massaging her stomach to push out the log as it landed in the bottom of the bowl.

A squeaky fart exited her asshole, followed by more semi-solid matter and a turd even longer than the first. Zelda gripped the edges of the bowl, the most vulgar sounds spluttering out of her royal asshole. How fortunate that the Sheikah Shrines were so far underground. No one would have to hear or know of what she had been doing. Hunched over on the toilet, defecating a mountain of feces that only a Hylian could produce. She wondered what Urbosa, the woman she looked up to, would say if she saw her in this pathetic state.

Sweating and panting, Zelda clutched her stomach. She released her final turd, heralded by a large fart that sounded like it would crack the reinforced stone bowl. A thick, slightly rocky turd pushed itself out of her anus, coiling on top of the rest of her waste until the water at the bottom of the bowl had been displaced, turned brown by the princess’ butt. She was lucky the stone was so dark, or the full extent of her bathroom visit would have been even more visible. As the last log was cut off by her anus, Zelda twitched her butthole a few more times, trying to get the last of it out.

“That’s the last time I eat anything so vile,” Zelda said. “I can’t be staining my drawers with this. How do I clean my buttocks?”

The Sheikah Slate lit up. At the edges of the toilet bowl, several small spouts of water came to life. They converged near the back of the bowl, centering themselves on Zelda’s sore anus. The water was cold, but not too cold. Just the right temperature to soothe her ass, and leave it perfectly clean. Once the water had finished spraying off the last of her poo, the seat became heated, drying her off. Zelda hadn’t heard the sound of flushing, and wondered if there was something she needed to do.

She lifted her plush butt off the toilet, pulling up her underwear and tights. She turned around to look into the toilet bowl, recoiling in disgust and curiosity at just how much she had expelled from her bowels. Impa, who was much more active in the field than her, ate a lot more, but Impa had never needed to call the castle staff to deal with problems involving her chamber pot. Zelda saw something in bright red light up from behind the toilet. It was a repurposed laser from a Guardian Scout.

Zelda stepped back, knowing she was without weaponry. However, the laser sight ignored her. It focused on the bottom of the bowl. The laser noise beeped faster, the countdown approaching the command to fire. In a single blast, the laser targeted her feces and dissolved them into ash in a single blow. The only thing coming out of the bowl was steam from the vaporized water. More water flowed from the spouts back into the bowl, leaving it just as it had been.

A call was coming in on the Sheikah Slate. Zelda picked it up, and saw Purah calling in. “Check it! How do you like my personal latrine, Princess?” she said. “Made it based on a mockup of the ancient Shrines. Only those with a Slate can travel to it, and only I know where it is. Perfect when I want to take a crap in peace.”

“You mean this isn't a Shrine?” Zelda asked.

“I used Sheikah tech to make something a little more convenient,” Purah said. “Impa tells me that Guardian tech wasn’t meant to be used for that, but I think it’s awesome! If Link or any of the Champions want, they can use it. It’s a secret to everybody.”

“How did you know I was suffering from stomach distress?” Zelda asked.

“Impa’s been tailing you like the good little advisor she is,” said Purah. “Heard and smelled your farts from downwind. Figured you probably needed to evacuate your bowels soon before you soiled yourself in front of your boyfriend.”

“He is not my boyfriend,” said Zelda. “I appreciate the assistance, Purah. But do not go prying into my intimate matters so much next time.”

Zelda returned to the surface, smiling and looking calm. Link and Impa were waiting for her. Impa remained calm, telling the princess that Purah had asked her to investigate this shrine, even though she knew its true purpose. She had also used it at times, even if she wondered what was going through Purah’s head when she invented it. The three of them headed towards the sunset, hoping to make it to Zora’s Domain by nightfall. There was still a long way to go.

Back in her lab, Purah opened her Sheikah Slate and looked at the images and data of the Camera Rune and a few other exclusive runes she’d made. She now had a crystal clear video of what the Princess’ ass and pussy looked like, taken from the view of just underneath the toilet bowl. There were people in Hyrule who would pay good Rupees to see this, but she only saw it as a scientific endeavor. She had also obtained a stool sample from the Princess, hoping that it might be able to help her figure out why Zelda’s powers hadn’t awakened yet.

Purah blew up the image of Zelda’s butt, moments before she began to defecate. Purah looked at it, licking her lips and shoving her hand down into her panties. This would go great with the Link dick pics she’d taken when he was bathing in the Spring of Courage. “Click, snap!”


End file.
